Parenting a disabled or special needs child
With 20 million plus families in the United States having a child with special needs, more children with challenges are being mainstreamed into America's public schools.
Unfortunately, too often those without special needs feel uncomfortable around a classmate who seems out-of-sync.
What's more, they can translate their discomfort into ugly behaviors, such as verbally demeaning or physically hurting the individual with differences.
Helping youngsters become more sensitive is always important. Here are some specific ways to make kids feel more comfortable.
"First, parents should emphasize that these kids are just like them," says Aileen Weiss of South Carolina, whose daughter Vicki was born with Sturge Weber, a rare syndrome giving Vicki physical and mental differences. "They have the same hurts, fears and joys even though they may be unable to express them because of their limitations." "You want to find a way to make your child feel grateful for his abilities and realize that he should help another who may not be as fortunate," says Bonnie Senner, a licensed clinical social worker in Highland Park, Il.
"Helping others is the best way to make you feel good about yourself."
Children must also feel safe around those with additional challenges. Kids may erroneously fear that the child who looks or acts different has a contagious disease. Reassure your son or daughter that the condition is not contagious or harmful to them.
It's also helpful to look for attributes of the child with challenges. Maybe Johnny can't read, but he's a creative thinker and wonderful artist. Point out the classmate's strengths. Being disabled doesn't mean being unabled. Take master violinist Itzhak Perlman, who had polio at age 4 and can't walk independently. Today, he's one of the world's greatest violinists. You never know how or what another can contribute to the world.
If the classmate with special needs behaves improperly, brags or acts angry, explain that often they can't control their behaviors, brag to make themselves feel better or are angry at their circumstances which have often led them to be repeatedly and unfairly rejected. Understanding breeds acceptance.
"Encourage your son or daughter to befriend someone who has a disability," says Weiss. "It promises to be a most rewarding experience. Your child will learn about compassion, courage, perseverance and strength."
Exclusion from birthday parties, activities and other events is excruciating for those with special needs and their families. "Invite the child with a disability to your home," says Californian, Hogan Hilling, whose son has Angelman's Syndrome, a chromosomal disorder affecting mobility, mental and verbal skills. "Even if the parents say the child can't attend the party they feel better being included," says Hilling. "If the parents decline the invitation, encourage them to bring the child over for a short time. You may also invite the child with his nurse or caregiver." And, when you have the child at your home, introduce him to your other guests.
With non-ambulatory students, parents and teachers should ask classmates to wheel or accompany the person in the wheelchair to his destination. At Keshet, a school for those with disabilities in Northbrook, Il. non-affected children feel it's an honor to wheel a child in a wheelchair. If a child in the neighborhood is non-ambulatory, offer to take him for a walk and have your son or daughter push the chair. When talking to someone in a wheelchair talk directly to the person in the chair, not through the one wheeling it.
Should you catch yourself inadvertently staring at someone who looks different, flash a smile. That way, he understands you lack ill intentions.
Primarily, we must make these kids and their families feel accepted and acceptable. Most children with challenges are heroes, overcoming difficult obstacles each day. It's crucial we recognize, learn from and support them in their struggles using our special needs parenting skills. Remember, life has meaning when you're helping someone else.
Judith Lavin, author of Special Kids Need Special Parents, Berkley Books, 2001, and a former journalist with the Chicago Sun-Times, recognized the need for an easy-to-read resource for physically and emotionally exhausted parents like herself, as well as their families, teachers, doctors and others who work with them. Lavin's work has been featured in numerous publications such as The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Sun Times, Newsday, Washington Parent and Chicago Parent and on radio CBS Radio Network and TV news and talk shows including the Today Show and Small Talk for Parents from PBS Chicago around the U.S. Lavin and her husband live in a suburb of Chicago with their two teenage daughters. Her step daughter is married and lives in Chicago.
In Raising a Handicapped Child: A Guide for Parents of the Physically Disabled, Charlotte Thompson discusses the emotional and physical problems of parenting a disabled child. Her practical advice includes tips on how to select educational programs, finding the best professional help, keeping up with latest in medical treatments, and coping with costs.
In Changed by a Child: Companion Notes for Parents of a Child with a Disability, Barbara Gill shares her journey with all parents of a child with a disability. In simple stories of faith, courage, fear, and forgiveness, Barbara Gill describes what parents feel with honesty, integrity, and grace, and addresses the range of issues they encounter
In Uncommon Fathers: Reflections on Raising a Child With a Disability, the author of each essay is a father of a child with special needs. Each father expresses how they cope with having a special needs child and how the birth and life of his child has changed his life. Uncommon Fathers should be a Father's Day gift for all special fathers!
In From the Heart : On Being the Mother of a Child With Special Needs by Martha Grady, nine mothers explore the intense, sometimes painful, emotional terrain of raising families with special needs in eye-opening narratives developed from their parent support group meetings.
Special Children, Challenged Parents: The Struggles and Rewards of Raising a Child With a Disability, by Robert A. Naseef, Ph.D., is a must read for parents, teachers, professionals, caregivers, and others touched by a child with special needs. Full of practical strategies for coping, from grief, working effectively with medical and educational professionals, to staying together as a family The Child With Special Needs: Encouraging Intellectual and Emotional Growth by Stanley I. Greenspan, Serena Weider, and Robin Simon. Covering all kinds of disabilities such as cerebral palsy, autism, retardation, ADD, and language problems, The Child With Special Needs offers parents specific ways of helping all special needs children reach their full intellectual and emotional potential.
Nobody's Perfect: Living and Growing With Children Who Have Special Needs offers parents with special needs children a fresh, affirming view on the challenges of family life. Nobody's Perfect guides parents through the process of adaptation with specific strategies for success in balancing one's own life; developing a parenting partnership; and interacting with children, friends, relatives, professionals, and others.